One Year Ago, God Saved His Life

Today is December 7. It's a big day for us. Today marks 11 years from our first date. It also marks 1 year from our new beginning when the Lord saved Josh's life. 

One year ago at this very moment, I was a complete and utter mess. If you're new here, I'm going to get you a little backstory and then share what happened last year in more detail than I have probably ever shared on my blog. This morning, I just feel like remember, writing, and being thankful.

Back in May of 2011, my husband was diagnosed with HCM or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. This is a dangerous heart disease that is often called the silent killer because most people never know they have it until it's too late. Basically, the inner wall of the heart (called the septum) gets too large, blocking proper blood flow, causing arrhythmias, heart failure, and eventually it can cause fatal arrhythmia's that lead to death. As it progresses, HCM can cause athletes to drop dead on the field, dads to die lugging in the groceries, or young mothers to suffer cardiac death while their children are still babies. 

When Josh was first diagnosed with HCM, the inner wall of his heart was 19mm thick. The normal is around 11. He was treated with beta blockers to keep his heart very relaxed and to slow his pulse. Unfortunately, his HCM continues to progress. By November, my sweet husband had started heart failure. 

He was sleeping more hours than he was awake and he could hardly walk across the room without getting winded. I used to lay awake at night and feel his pulse race and pound with that tell-tale hiccup that said he had an obstruction from the HCM. I would count his breaths... praying that the next breath would come on the particularly bad nights.

Then one year ago, he started having horrible chest pains, feeling faint and staggering when he would try to stand. One phone call to his doctor and everything started happening so fast. Within 24 hours, our parents had taken over care of the kids and put us on a nonstop flight to Cleveland Clinic where Josh was admitted an hour after our plane touched down. An echocardiogram revealed that his septum now measured 26mm and he needed to have surgery.

Then one year ago today, Josh had a myectomy. It was open heart surgery where the doctor literally cut away the inner wall of his heart, making it smaller. And I can honestly tell you it was both the scariest and hardest day of my life, but so worth it.

On the morning of his surgery, I was a total wreck. Scared out of my mind! I hadn't slept at all. I stayed at the hospital sitting with him the whole night before listening to his heart on the monitors, not wanting to miss a moment just in case. While he was still resting early that morning, I slipped out of the quiet hospital room and walked down to get some coffee. 

I paced the lobby for a few minutes, walking outside in the freezing cold just to get some fresh air and try to get my thoughts together. I woke up in a panic and was fighting the most horrible fear and anxiety of my life that whole day.

But God KNEW what was going to happen and He KNEW I needed His comfort that morning. As I walked back in from the cold, the lobby was really crowded. Hundreds of people were milling around me almost like a busy airport. But in the midst of all of that chaos, a stranger bumped my shoulder enough to make me turn. Right as he passed by, he said, "He's going to be okay."

I stood frozen like a statue as the guy disappeared in the crowd. He was wearing a gray suit and a hat... once I recovered from the shock of the moment, I tried to find him but he was gone. Maybe he was an angel...

After that, I went back up the hospital room and visitors had already started to trickle in. We were so blessed to have Josh's parents, my dad, our former youth pastor, and our current pastor and his wife. All of these precious people flew or drove all the way up to Ohio to be there for us during this scary time. I was so, so thankful for that.

It took forever for Josh to be called back for surgery. I think it was around 4:30 maybe when they finally took him back. Right after they said it was time, we gathered around him and prayed. I couldn't even choke out the words to pray because the tears were coming too hard. 

When I kissed him good-bye, I was so scared it would be the last time. Now I want to be clear... I knew that God COULD heal my husband, but in that moment I just didn't know if He would. So I did all I knew to do... I fasted, I prayed, and mostly I cried and had a panic attack in the ladies' room. I know I was horrible to be with that day. Everyone tried to help and they would try to comfort me and talk to me, but it just made me cry harder.

The hospital gave me a pager to wear and they texted me short updates on the surgery - what was happening, when he went to sleep, when surgery began, when it was over, when he was off the bypass, etc. 

After an hour or so had passed, something changed inside me. I had been really upset for a while and then suddenly, I remember feeling so numb and dead inside. I finally stopped crying and just kind of walked around in a fog. Around that time, I got a text saying that they had stopped his heart and he was on the bypass machine. Surgery was beginning. I told Josh days later that I think I went numb because they had stopped his heart - you might think I'm crazy, but I'm tell you... this guy is my soul mate. 

So we waited and waited and waited. At one point, I got away from everyone for a few minutes and had to go to a little class about how to care for him after surgery. After that, I snuck outside for a while just to feel the freezing cold air on my face... just to feel something.

It was 8:00 when I got the update that the surgery part was finished and they were getting ready to take him off bypass and restart his heart. I fell into a bit of an inner panic again and was terrified. I remember sitting and praying for God to let his heart start again... please, please, please let it beat again. Around 9:00 or 9:30, the surgeon came out and said it was over. Josh had done well!

About an hour later, they let Josh's mom and I both go back into the ICU to see him. I was prepared for him to look really bad. They had prepped me for that beforehand. But when I laid eyes on him, I couldn't stop smiling. HE LOOKED AMAZING! His color was better already. I could hear his heart beating steady and strong on the cardiac monitors. And even though he was on a ventilator and pretty out of it, he opened his eyes and looked at me as soon as I spoke to him! He did the same for him mom. 

For the next hour or so, family took turns trading off and coming in to see him while I stayed the whole time. He got better and better. Around 11:00, everyone left for the night but I couldn't pry myself away. The rule in ICU is that you can have 2 visitors for 15 minutes, twice a day. But God took care of that too! The nurses he had were so compassionate. I think part of it was because he was the only patient in cardiac ICU under age 70, but they told me I could stay as long as I wanted and come as often as I wanted. The only time they asked me to step out was if they were doing a procedure and then they just asked me to stand behind the curtain.

Around midnight, they took his breathing tube out. He was in so much pain, but still he smiled. I will never forget one of the first things he said to me... "Go get some sleep. I'm gonna be fine. I love you." Just like him... always worrying about me. When he was finally in a really deep sleep and the nurses assured me they would call if anything happened, I crept out and practically floated back to my hotel room at the hospital's patient family hotel across the street.

And as they say, the rest is history.

One year later, here we are and my husband is strong, healthy, and whole. Sure, he still has heart disease. And yes, there are some new challenges he has had to deal with. He can't lift anything heavy anymore and he will be on medication for the rest of his life. We know at some point, he could require further surgery or even a heart transplant, but for today, he is well. He is WELL. And we are so, so blessed to have today.

One year ago, we sat together holding hands as our families chattered around us. We exchanged a silent look every few minutes. In his eyes was the same question that was in my heart - "Is this going to be good-bye?" But this year, I'm typing this from our new home where we have made a new beginning at the coast. I let my sweet husband sleep late this morning and I'm about to go kiss him good morning. 

Taken in the hospital one year ago, the day before Josh's surgery

Today, we're going to celebrate and be thankful. Today marks one year from when God saved His life. Thank you, Jesus!!

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
    and he turned to me and heard my cry.
 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along.
 He has given me a new song to sing,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
    They will put their trust in the Lord.

-PSALM 40:1-3